Top 10 Casino jokes and riddles:
1. Mind over matter
There's a guy who lives in Ohio.
One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house,
take all your money and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house,
take all your money and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house,
take all your money and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore.
He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house,
takes all his money and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane,
the voice says, "Go to The Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told and when he gets to the roulette table,
the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 28."
Nervously, the man puts all his money on 28.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball goes.
The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed,
until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "F*ck."
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2. Casino wisdom
Q: How is a casino like a woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
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3. Nasty Granny
Q: How can you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the word f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
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4. Beat the dealer
A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand,
were debating whether or not it's appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player claimed, "When I get bad cards,
it's not the dealer's fault.
Likewise, when I'm dealt good cards,
the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it,
so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replied with, "When you dine out, do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I serve you cards, so you ought to tip me."
"Alright, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
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5. Emergency call
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague.
"We need a fourth for poker", said the friend.
"I'll be right over", whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious", said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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6. Don't bet on it
A young man said to his girlfriend,
"I bet you'll never marry me."
The story goes that she not only called his bet,
but she raised him 5!
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7. The truth does not hurt
A woman was inside a casino for the very first time.
The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has caught her eye.
She decides to play at the roulette table but says,
"I have no idea which number to play."
A young, handsome man next to her, suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she places her money on number 29.
The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up.
The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.
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8. Casino prayer
Q: What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
A: In a casino, you really mean it!
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9. Indefinite vacation
A man rushes into his home and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care.
Just as long as you are out of the house by noon!"
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10. Pot of gold
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars,
when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold,
worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."